trophy -vs- Momentum

...and you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.   ^{Mark 12:30 (see also Duet 6:5, Mat 22:37 and Luke 10:2)}

When life gets hectic, we frequently run out of steam for the important things; often putting aside exercise of our heart, mind, soul and body. What begins then is the slow, seemingly insignificant [at that moment] Atrophy.   You remember Atrophy - it's the progressive partial or complete wasting away of that part of our body we are ignoring at that time.  And it applies as well to our emotional life, our spiritual life and thought life.  We wake up one day and know something has changed; we feel weaker, disconnected from our spouse, and others we love, and unable to hear God through His Word, our prayers and from others. 

On the other side of things, is Momentum.  Ahh, the wonders of forward healthy movement due to the actions we engage in regularly with a pure heart, good conscience and sincere faith ^{(1 Tim 1:5)}.  As we embrace wise and godly actions in our marriage, our spiritual lives, and develop a more purposeful heart for God and people, our entire life is borne on an intimacy with God that brings hope and joy.  

 






Ok then, you and I don’t want to be pickles – but how do we change, how do we get to be joy filled lovers again? 

 It takes a hot-start-jolt between Atrophy and Momentum that rests in our hands.  God has already done His part, giving us the commanding roadmap in the above verses.  Loving the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind and thoughts now rests on our WILL.  What "will' we do with it?

 We begin by recognizing the Atrophy where it exists in our lives - and recognize too that Momentum has a down side as well as an upside.  If, for example, we are not exercising in one of those four areas of our life, the Momentum crouches there, leading us toward further apathy and deeper Atrophy.

 Once we recognize that we have a problem area, we can choose to ignore it, and face further Atrophy.  That will distance us from others; or we can - by an act of our will – and with God's help, begin to challenge ourselves to exercise in the troubled area of our life.  
 

We can purpose to spend time differently with our spouse – reading a book together one night a week perhaps – being intentional to pray together each day.  The Momentum can kick in and keep you going as you sign up and attend a Marriage class or small group studies, and though you’ve heard it in this column before – go on regular dates with one another.

Look at the joy filled faces of a couple who have just fallen in love.  Consider that look in a couple that has been married 10, 25 or 50 years.   Then look around the church and see what pastors too often see on Sunday from the pulpit. My pastor  suggested  what he saw looked more like folks who’d been dipped in pickle juice, than Christ filled lovers.   I know that each one of us wants to look like those early lovers, when we reach each milestone in our own marriage.   Not only do we want that, our spouse, children, family, friends, and God desires that for us as well. 

Investor's Strategy for '09 and Beyond

Consider for a moment that a wise investor strategy can pay great dividends throughout your life, totally independent of both home values and stock market.

Recently I met with a man in his 40's who told me how he worked hard all day, putting in long hours and energy, and came home tired, just wanting to relax before the next day.  I asked him how much energy he had left for his wife and family, and his response was - not much.  He went on to share how he thought they should understand that times are tough, and that holding onto a job in a downsizing economy left him exhausted.

The Bible gives us pretty clear understanding in Matthew 22:37 that God desires us to place Him as our highest priority, giving honor to Him with our heart, soul and mind.  Next in His priority for our lives is "our neighbor".  Our wives/husbands certainly qualify as our closest neighbor.   Throughout the Scriptures we are exhorted to be good husbands and wives - so leaving little energy and time for them and giving our best to the job, seems to be reflect an upside down priority.

We all are challenged to be investors in personal holiness and our marriage.   Understand that God is not encouraging us to give poorly in our work - He calls us to excellence in all things.  If we save some of our prime energy for our spouse, we may grow in godliness, and that honors Him, and is good for all.  In these tough economic times, it's far too easy to put our focus on things that, while urgent, are askew of God's design for our lives.

How can you be a Marriage Investor?  

• First, invest quality time in your walk with Christ.   Sunday worship, small group studies and accountability to a same gender mentor/friend, prayer, and reading God's word are all important to our personal growth. 
• Second, plug into a Sunday School class in your church designed to help marriage deal with the common concerns all of us face - topics like communication, conflict resolution, expectations, listening, etc.
• Third, hold hands and pray together daily. One study shows that divorce occurs in only 1 of 1153 marriages that do this - pretty strong indication that daily prayer together is part of God's plan for our lives.
• Fourth, have regular date nights with your spouse, and weekly marriage staff meetings, both of which create opportunities for deeper relationship with them.  
• Fifth, read a book together like - Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti. by the Farrells
• Sixth, find a ministry where you can serve together.  Couples involved Ministry have found they can serve together, giving some of their best to their spouse, while serving in the church as well. 

Last month we talked about choosing to forgive - especially our husband/wife, as there will always be hurts to us, that are a result of their good intentions, or in some cases selfish and sinful words or actions.  The forgiveness model we chose for living our own lives was to Recall the hurt, Empathize with the offender, choose the Altruistic gift of forgiveness, Commit publicly to forgive, and Hold on to the forgiveness - or REACH,

This month we'll try to tackle the other side to the forgiveness question - seeking forgiveness from others when we become aware of our hurtful words or actions, whether they were unintentional or intentional.  Some may find it easier to forgive an erring spouse that to ask for it, and the chances are very good that swallowing our own pride, ego and selfishness and asking for forgiveness - goes down a lot harder.   It takes s truly humble heart to acknowledge our sin or error, and to ask for their forgiveness.

The Bible tells us that humility is the foundation for sincere and true acknowledgment of our wrong and sinful actions, followed by confession, and asking their forgiveness.  As confirmation for that, the Bible speaks of a humbled heart more than fifty times, often to remind us that we are called to be humble.  

Our societies scream messages that are dead set against God's word and work in our lives. but God calls us to model Christ, and reveals to us that Jesus is the perfect model of a heart humbled and yielded to God the Father.  Old Testament and New are also filled with other examples for us, challenging us to examine our heart for those places where pride has replaced humility.

If you have been snared with the words of your mouth, Have been caught with the words of your mouth,     Do this then, my son, and deliver yourself; Since you have come into the hand of your neighbor, Go, humble yourself, and importune your neighbor. Pro 6:2-3       No one is a closer 'neighbor' than our spouse.

When pride comes, then comes dishonor, But with the humble is wisdom. Pro 11:2

It is better to be humble in spirit with the lowly Than to divide the spoil with the proud. Pro 16:19 

He has told you, O man, what is good; And what does the LORD require of you But to do justice, to love kindness, And to walk humbly with your God? Mic 6:8

Today is a wonderful day to examine our motives, our actions, and our thoughts.  As we allow God to reveal those things He would change in us - in our prayers, by His still small voice, by the wisdom of a friend, spouse, pastor or the Bible - we can take a few more steps toward that godliness He designed us for. 

Here are eight steps to help us in our desire to become the man or woman that would choose to do right things from our heart, rather than just from our head.

• Examine your heart regularly to check your motives using I Cor 13:1- , Eph 5:, Gal 5:19:23, etc. as a guide
  
• Ask God to help you identify your offenses to Him and others
• Root out where you have used blame, and choose instead to take responsibility for your offenses
  
• Seek to understand and to be able to acknowledge to God the pain caused by your actions
• With that understanding, acknowledge to the one offended, the pain caused by your actions or words
• Ask forgiveness for the specific offenses without the need to receive their forgiveness
  
• Make restitution where possible
• Show thankfulness to God for His forgiveness and to others when it is given to you

I close with a quote from Dallas Willard in a discussion from his DVD  series on "Renovation of the Heart". 

"The heart in good shape, is precisely the person who is prepared and capable of meeting all the circumstances of life in a power of godliness that enables them to respond, in a way that is right and is good." 

May your heart be in good shape, and may you meet God intimately as you ponder your actions and words in the days ahead, and seek to forgive and ask forgiveness in those circumstances revealed by the heart of God to your heart.

Recently a young woman, who had received our last Marriage KIT from a friend, wrote regarding our dependence on God, and in the course of e-mail discussions over the past few days it became apparent that her faith and most of her thoughts are pessimistic and negative.  She sees mostly trouble in the future, and finds it easy to blame others for her lot in life.

I've prayerfully pondered each response to her, giving her passages of hope from God's word, wanting her to connect hope with God.  In Dr. John Trent's LifeMapping, he offers the comparison of Life and Death - and they tie so appropriately to pessimism -vs- an optomistic hope.   One of the meanings of the word 'life' in the Greek is 'movement toward something', while the word 'death' means 'to step away'.  Pessimism and negativity easily and often bring death to our hope.

John says pessimism is a lifestyle choice.  It often leads to procrastination and fear - (fear of - failure, success, being controlled and intimacy).  It also leads to hopelessness, which is also learned, rather than innate.   Pessimism and hopelessness are often learned in the hard times in our lives, and understandably make relationships difficult.  The delusional and hope creating brain chemical cocktail of early romance will fade, and if pessimism becomes the lifestyle choice of one or both partners, it makes the marriage much harder work than normal.

On the other hand, hope easily leads to a more authentic and joy filled life - and allows relationships to grow toward one another, instead of away from each other.  John also believes that hopefulness is learned.  Larry Crabb suggests though, that for the believer there is in our soul a God placed tug toward a deeper relationship with God - and that HOPE is the result of responding to that tug.  Because hope, not pessimism, is God's plan, it comes easier for us to learn and is a choice we make taking us toward  healthy environments, where hopelessness is always learned in the harsh unhealthy things of life.

God's tells us in Jeremiah 29:11 that His plan for our lives is good - filled with hope for the future.

'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for good and not for evil to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.'  Jer 29:11-13

It's not unusual for one of us in a marriage to be the more hopeful one, as all of us fall somewhere on the continuum between the two.

          Hopeless --------------------------------------------------------------- Hopeful

Marriage is designed by God to be a relationship that moves us toward each other, giving life, and hope.   The more hopeful of the two can do much to create that healthy environment for their marriage where pessimism is replaced by optomism and hope, by practicing an active trust in God, believing in a positive future, showing great self control and making hope filled choices themselves.   For the spouse that has learned a more pessimistic outlook on life, the choice is clear also. 

It is God's desire that we call on Him, praying for that change in us that brings us into a deeper and a life more aligned with God's will for our lives.   Wherever and whenever that pessimism trait sneaks into our thinking, we can rebuke it with God's word, and prayerfully ask God to help us want to want the change to a more hope filled life.

Heb 6:19  This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast...  1Pe 1:13  Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober in spirit, fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 

Independence Day

Perhaps it began as I thought about America's Independence Day celebrations, or when I considered how returning a free rental video to Blockbuster would cost us $2 in gas,  and read the latest poll which said "90% of Americans expect the pain at the gas pump to pose financial hardships in the next six months of their lives." ¹

But NO - this isn't a column on American Independence, or gasoline - but on marriage - yours and my own.  What we want to consider is, that unlike our desire for independence from Britain which had founded our nation, and the growing desire today for independence from foreign oil - there is also a desire for us to function with some independence from our spouse.

Did God design us with such notions ?   Are they right notions?   The short answer is yes - and no. 

The yes portion of the answer is that we are and always will be distinct individuals, with gifts and character, which are unique and necessary for the fulfillment of God's design on our individual lives.  We therefore must function with some independence from our spouse, as we discover in Jeremiah 29:11.   It is also the uniqueness that lies beneath the passage from Jeremiah 1 and Ephesians 2.

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, plans for good, not evil, for a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 1:5 - Before I  formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you
Ephesians 2: 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works

A quick word study in both the OT and New  will reveal many more thoughts from God about our uniqueness in God's eyes, revealing our need and His plan for some independence from our spouse.   Note the little word - some - the concept crops up again further down in this article.

So we should be about the business of living out of His plan for our lives with vision and intention, celebrating our uniqueness and our independence of thought.  Intertwined with our independence, is a growing dependence in trusting Him for the deeper things in our life.

Part two of the answer though is that we are not to be fully independent from our spouse - any more than we are to be independent from God.   God has told us that we are to leave and cleave from the earlier dependency we had with our family.   The cleaving is to gain a healthy dependence on God and our spouse, so we find the plan for our marriage and family that would honor Him.

Further reflection on Jeremiah 29:11, also suggests that God's plan for our lives, is uniquely intertwined with Him AND our spouse.

Again there are many passages on marriage and family to draw upon to build the healthy dependency on God and each other.  It's not in finishing each other's thoughts, it's bringing our unique thoughts to one another - sharing our heart and soul with the one person in our world who is the safest human on earth for us.   And it is building a kind of relationship which makes one another that kind of safe with the other. 

It is in gaining balance - maintaining some independence and some dependence - and learning what is healthy and unhealthy for us that brings glory to God.   Bringing glory to God in our lives makes our marriage uniquely fitted for transforming our own lives, the lives of our family and community to a society reflecting Him to the rest of the world.   That balance also needs regular alone-time and solitude with God to help us thrive in our ever deepening walk with Christ.

Who's Keeping Score ?    

" For man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart. " 1 Sam 16:7
 " He knows the secrets of the heart. "Psalm 44:21
 "The heart of man reflects the man. "Prov 27:19
"The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?  "Jer 17:9 
"I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give to each man according to his ways, According to the results of his deeds. "Jer 17:10 

Conformed to the Image of Christ – Part II

 Last month we explored the mistaken approach that most of us make – wanting to see change in our spouse – without considering our own need to grow and change.  We miss how that often ties into our also mistaken view that coming to Christ without personal growth, is about the same as buying a paid up life insurance policy.  Once done – we have to do nothing until we die.  

 The bible tells us that there is far more to the gospel than death insurance – it’s important to God that we become all that He created us to be; a journey that will be life-long.  The bible calls it being conformed to the image of Christ and transformed by the renewing of our minds.

 This transformation is not something that comes by osmosis – it comes by personal and interactive with Christ, intentional choices on our part.   One exciting aspect of transformation is that it takes us well beyond just coming to Christ without personal growth, into the stream of living water that flows from a walk with Jesus.  It comes by choice, not by feelings, it comes by taking responsibility for me, not others – it comes from falling down on my face before the God who knew me before creation, and who formed me in my mother’s womb, and who has a plan and purpose for my life that is awesome (because it is His plan).

 So, why is it that we are more concerned with change in our spouse than ourselves?  Dallas Willard says that most often it is a stirring of our prideful selves in our desire for control.  He goes on in his book Renovation of the Heart to say that “the greatest threat to Gods’ kingdom is mine” [the kingdom of “me”].

 As we concern ourselves more about how others should change, we are acting out that hunger for control, and we become lost.  When we’re lost, sometimes we’ll not know it, but those times when we do, we need to cling to the understanding that we’re not worthless – just misplaced and distant from God – and that we’ll remain there until we surrender to Him and give up our wildly mistaken thought that we are in control.

 If you’ve never felt dissatisfaction with your relationship with Christ, may I suggest that you pray for it?   A deep interpersonal walk with Jesus seems to be a common thread in the lives of those whom we’d look at as godly and used powerfully by Him.    Since somewhere in my soul the stirring of God does quietly call to me, when I ask Him to stir it more to create that hunger for Him, it’s a prayer that He always answers - in His way and His time.  Oh, but the joy that comes from heeding His call, and  staying the course to pray for it.  As George Müeller said – finding that happy place in Christ each day is more important than how we might serve Him.

 If you acknowledge even the hint of the inspired dissatisfaction with your life today – that’s Good!  It doesn’t mean  that life is bad.  It’s not about your husband or wife.  It’s simply that God is there calling quietly to your heart for YOU to yield to Him.  That slight discomfort or gnawing pain can only be changed, with any permanence, as you yield and walk with Him.  Anything else will just be medication, and will satisfy only for a time. 

 And if, like so many Christians, you aren’t sure you want to live that close to God, may we suggest that you ask Him to stir that desire in you.  Larry Crabb suggests that we pray, asking “to want to want, what we don’t want now in our walk and life with Christ.”  It’s a concept we truly have to think about to grasp.  

 As we do begin to want that transformation, our life will never be the same.   What can be better than walking through life with an ever deepening trust in the One who personally created us and directs it all.

 In Micah 6:8 God tells us that He requires us to walk humbly with Him.  Prostrating ourselves before Him in our heart may begin with our looking to Hosea 7:14 for inspiration.  There it tells us that God longs to redeem us (to restore us from our lost state), but that we “wail from our beds, instead of crying from our heart”.  How often in my prayer life, do I ask for relief, to understand, or control something?   It’s treating God like He’s a puppet to fulfill my desire for control is at best – foolish.  But when I cry from my heart just to find Him and to simply dwell in the presence of Christ with joy, and not to think I can manipulate Him for my gain – that’s when the full power of God comes to me and often through me to others.  Praise God.

 It’s there we find that doing the right thing, the things Jesus would have done, becomes more and more the passion of our lives.

 With thanks to God for His infallible Word, and for George Müeller, Dallas Willard and John Ortberg for stimulating thoughts of my own journey here today.   Here are links to an audio presentation from Dallas Willard and a tract written by George Müeller.    Don Farr

http://www.ncs-az.net/dallaswillard.htm

http://www.ncs-az.net/M%FCller.pdf

Being Conformed to the Image of Christ   
- Part I - 

Marriage KIT (Keeping In Touch)
Volume 03 - July 2004

Our Founding Father's Marriages

This month the Marriage KIT  looks briefly at the marriage relationship of a few of our founding fathers who guided America through our nation's early years.  This seems fitting, as we have just celebrated the anniversary of the 13 Colonies' declaration of their sovereign right to sever repressive ties to England.  We'd also like to remind you of our founder's marriages, and their sacrifices that allow us to be free today.  Our hope is that it may stir your heart to make a stand for marriage and country as well (read on).

Our first three Presidents and their wives - George and Martha Washington, John and Abigail Adams, and Thomas and Martha Jefferson - wrote to each other so often that their letters have become a national treasure.  James Madison, 4th President, led regular family devotions with his wife Dolly.

Among the non-presidential founders, letters written late in life by William Penn, the founder of the state of Pennsylvania, were these words to his wife, "..remember thou wast the love of my youth and much the joy of my life; the most beloved as well as the most worthy..."

Even a quick "google" of such things reveals more than this page can discuss both in terms of the strength of their marriages and and the underlying foundation those marriages had in Christ.

Many of the couples we would consider "Founders"  raised their children "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord".   Several had children who went on to be pastors, or state and national leaders in their own right.   America grew strong out of the faith of these marriages.

In the decades since our nation was launched, many other White House tenants have demonstrated their devotion to God, wife, and family.  Among the most famous for letters to his wife Bess was Harry Truman, but by far the most prolific love-letter writer was Ronald Reagan.

In a recent interview with Christianity Today, President George W. Bush talked about his marriage in the context of his and Laura's support for the Federal Marriage Amendment and election: "And my family life is great. I wouldn't be talking to the American people about seeking the vote if I couldn't say loud and clear that my marriage is really good."

What does all this have to do with us as modern married folk?   There are several things we'd like to suggest to  couples.

1. Writing letters may be out of fashion today, but what a wonderful tribute to our spouse, to gift them with frequent cards, notes and love letters.   Scripture verses; poems; love notes tucked in daily timers, on the refrigerator, on the windshield, etc., can create a powerful connection with our spouse in the midst of busy lives.  Ask each other how such things would be received, and most likely you both would be highly pleased.

2. Daily devotions and prayer are among the most unifying activities for a marriage.  While more than half American marriages in the church end in divorce, only one in 1153 of those couples who pray together daily, suffer that tragedy.  We recommend the devotional "Never Alone: Devotions for Couples"  by David and Teresa Ferguson , as one that can give depth and understanding to your marriage.  We suggest reading it aloud to each other every day.  ISBN: 0842353860  

3. Marriage in America is NOW being redefined by homosexual groups - and will be changed across this land UNLESS we, as a body of believers, prevent that from happening.  As a married couple, write to your governmental officials and tell them of your support of the Congressional Amendment that would define marriage for all time as between a man and woman.   This legislation was defeated once, but will no doubt be raised again.

4. Attend marriage conferences, seminars, workshops and get involved in a small group home fellowship.  This is the venue for developing close relationships that will help normalize some of the stressful experiences we all face in life, and will often provide a degree wise counsel and accountability for your marriage.

5.  Serve together in ministry or in the community.   Be a witness for the hope within your heart  through your selfless service - but do some of it together, and watch it strengthen and bring delight to your marriage.